


to the bone

by xoxmeh



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Anorexia, Consensual Underage Sex, Eating Disorder, F/M, Fast Food, High School, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Older man, genuine connection, rey is over the age of consent, teenage, teenage job, triggering, underweight, working
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:47:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27951020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xoxmeh/pseuds/xoxmeh
Summary: And she knew people in her life noticed. Knew that she was painfully thin but it wasn’t enough, no matter how much she worried the people she loved. Just a few more pounds, she would tell herself. Then everything would be normal. She would maintain. Finally be happy with herself.Yes,she told herself.Finally happy.TW: ED
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 8
Kudos: 34





	to the bone

**Author's Note:**

> Major TW for eating disorders.
> 
> This story is from experience and I don't mean to glamorize anything. All of these feelings come from me and like-minded people who suffer from EDs. I don't claim to know everything and EDs are different for everyone so please keep that in mind. Comments critiquing my experience will be ignored.
> 
> Much love to anyone going through this and my DMs are always open.
> 
> I copied this title (I don't own it!) from a film on Netflix about EDs. So credit to them.

Her psychiatrist had warned her at her last appointment.

At 17, she’d been with the same family for years. Something that most foster kids wouldn’t experience, especially without being legally adopted. Maz had great health insurance for her, providing the best doctors and therapists. But she was nearly at their limit with her, wanting and struggling to understand. Wanting to take away the pain that she couldn’t begin to fathom.

She kept to her usual schedule: waking well before the rest of the family and sneaking her scale into the bathroom. Trying, as she did everyday, to clear her intestines. But like always, nothing ever came.

She stood and carefully peeled her clothing off a second later, grabbing for her phone and opening the bluetooth weight tracking app. She’d always wished that there was a full length mirror in the bathroom but she would have to deal with the one over the sink. Being 5’7, she was tall enough that she could see down to her hips. She looked in the mirror, then, taking in the sight of her protruding hip bones and concave stomach. She ran her hand over the skin, taking in the short length and brittleness of her nails. She ran those same fingers through her thin hair a moment later, bald spots nearly showing in the mirror from feet away. They weren’t able to grow with her diet. 

It synced a second later and she put it down on the toilet seat, not wanting to add any additional weight to the reading. Even if it was only a fraction of an ounce...

Stepping onto the scale that she had so painstakingly hidden, she nearly squealed in delight as she read the number. She had forced herself to go the longest yet without weighing herself. Something that she usually did daily, she’d forced herself to wait three days. It had nearly been impossible, leaving her fingers itching when she first woke and crawled out of bed, beginning her routine minus her favorite part.

103, it read. Her new lowest weight. A bmi of 16.1, putting her more than two points underweight. 

She couldn’t keep the smile off of her face as her app updated, blinking red as always at her newest entry. 

Re-dressing and slipping the scale neatly into its hiding place, she walked down into the kitchen. The next part of her routine. She set the coffee pot on a second later, reaching into the fridge for the food that she’d already planned out.

High fiber cereal with exactly a cup of almond milk and black coffee for breakfast with a side of blackberries.

A plain, Greek yogurt with baby carrots for lunch.

A 100 calorie bag of almonds as a snack.

And she saved as many calories as she could for dinner, piling on as many vegetables as she could as opposed to the protein that Maz wanted her to eat.

By the time the coffee pot beeped, she had placed all of her food into her lunch bag and set her breakfast on the table, freshly weighed on the kitchen scale and sat down. She liked to use the smallest spoon in the drawer with her meal, drawing out the length of her sitting.

As she finished eating, she threw her utensils into the dishwasher. Finn was walking down the stairs now, the stomp of his feet unmistakable as he made his way into the kitchen. He was still wearing his pajamas as he wiped at his eyes, yawning once as he looked her over.

“Mornin’,” he greeted, walking to the cabinet to reach for a bowl, then going to the pantry to retrieve a box of cereal that Rey refused to eat.

“Good morning,” she replied, reaching into the closet near the door to grab her jacket, tucking her lunch bag into her backpack a second later. “I’ll see you at school?”

He nodded and she grabbed the keys to her car, turning the heat as high as it would go.

She could never get warm.

As ironic as it seemed, she had gotten her first job working fast food.

Being so surrounded by food, she always felt safe. Always felt in _control._ It was thrilling that there was so much around her and she could completely shut her mind off to it. Her managers would ask her, all the time, if she wanted a meal for her break. She was sure that they had never seen her eat a single bit of their food. Instead, she would sit in the dining room and eat her “rabbit food,” as one boss referred to it as. Yogurt and carrots was her preferred meal but she would occasionally bring something else. Maybe reheated eggs with a single veggie sausage or just a big tupperware of frozen vegetables with hot sauce.

Since she’d begun working, she’d been able to control her meals better. And maybe that was when her problem had gotten to its worst. After he’d been able to buy a car with her saved money, she was able to do her own grocery shopping. She would sometimes spend hours in the grocery store with a single basket, reading all of the labels and preferring the vegan and all natural foods. Granola bars were her favorite even if they had more carbs than she liked. But they were convenient and appeared like snack food to her family.

Rey was as obvious as she could be with her food supply. She obnoxiously placed her frozen and refrigerated food at the front of the fridge, playing off that she ate. Even if no one believed her, the food was a comfort to her. If only they knew about the bin of food under her bed. The food that her family would be happy if she were eating. Chips, chocolate, candy and cookies. For her binge days.

Walking behind the counter, she quickly greeted everyone that she saw. Peeking behind the fry basket to see who was working in the kitchen and walking into the office to place her bag down. She said hello to her manager and grabbed her lunch bag then, walking to the walk-in fridge to place it in the employee food bin. She took a deep breath before she opened the door again, stepping down onto the tile floor to begin her shift.

It was strange, how she found herself so drawn to this man. 

She’d heard the stories: creepy older men hitting on retail workers who couldn’t run away or other older men who would groom teenagers into their own playthings.

But it was so different with him. Surely he couldn’t be a bad guy.

She was placed at the counter today and it was getting later into the night, nearly the end of her shift when he finally walked in. She was used to talking to him often, even when she was in charge of drive thru and could only spare a moment to say hi.

He barely ever ordered the same thing twice in a week, sometimes using coupons even. Now, he was approaching the counter, waving hello. And he’d always been _so_ handsome in her eyes. She couldn’t ever come up with an age for him. Maybe he was 19, maybe he was 25. At 17, beyond the age of consent in her state, she loved the way that his eyes would travel up and down her body when he thought she wasn’t looking. Multiple times she’d turned around with his order and found that his eyes were much lower than her face.

“Hi, Ben,” she greeted, adjusting the hat on her head as she placed her palms on the counter. His name was one of the few things that she knew about him.

“Hey,” he replied smoothly with his hands still in his pockets, slowly approaching the counter in the empty dining room. Her coworkers were all busy as she bounced slightly on the balls of her feet, meeting his eyes with a smile.

“What is it going to be today?”

He seemed to think about it for a moment, even placing his fingers beneath his chin. He was staring up at the menu board rather than at her and she found the motion so silly. He knew the menu by now, for sure, and was making a spectacle of it. After another second, he turned back to look at her with a smile on his face.

“What’s your favorite thing on the menu?”

She froze for a moment, the words that she had prepared escaping her brain to be replaced by nothing. Her eyes widened as she stared at him, unsure how to reply.

“Well, our most popular item is the number 1, but besides that, the number 7--”

“No,” he interrupted, meeting her eyes. “What’s _your_ favorite?”

She bit her lip for a second as their eyes met, mouth opening a second later with no words to speak.

“I--” she finally spoke, cheeks flushing. “I’ve never tried their food,” she confessed. “Besides, I’m a vegetarian.”

“What about the salad. Or veggie burger. You haven’t tried those?” She shook her head, cheeks lighting up further under his inspection.

“Huh,” he finally spoke. “What do you usually eat?”

She thought about how to reply for a moment. Thought about all of the meal plans that she had come up with so that people didn’t accuse her of not eating. She looked down at the counter for a second, pulling the sleeve of her thick fleece sweater further down her wrist.

“I usually eat at home. Or bring food from home.” He nodded at that, eyes not leaving hers once she glanced up.

“I can understand that,” he said a second later, bringing his own hands up to rest on the counter. “I guess I shouldn’t be eating all this junk, either.”

Her eyes travelled up to his shoulders then, taking in the barest hint of bone along the collar of his jacket. She didn’t think that his eating could ever be a problem, what with him towering over her and being built like a fridge. Surely his daily needs were much higher than her own.

“How about this,” he finally spoke, leaning closer over the counter. “I’d love to give you my number.” Her cheeks flamed as her eyes widened, travelling up and _up_ to meet his gaze. “And I can see what a vegetarian eats.”

Her mouth hung open for a second as she processed what had been said. There was no one around her to lighten the mood. No one around her to defend her or shoo him away in her embarrassment. He definitely wasn’t the creepy type that prayed on retail or hospitality workers. And she had known him for as long as she’d been working here…

So what was the harm?

“Sure,” she agreed. And he pulled his phone out.

Working a night shift, she had been spared her usual dinner with the family.

Instead, she walked into the kitchen still wearing her greasy uniform and opened the fridge, pulling out a bag of spinach. She washed her hands quickly before reaching into the bag for a handful of greens, eating them as if they were potato chips. She didn’t usually eat this late at night but work had been busy. According to her FitBit, she had burned 200 more calories than usual. May as well make up for it with a fraction of that.

She walked upstairs, careful not to grab anyone’s attention as she opened her bedroom door, stepping in and closing it behind her as softly as possible. The two younger kids were surely asleep but Finn was probably up, doing his homework or whatever. Sometimes he would come and bother her after work, even though socializing wasn’t what she was in the mood to do. But she appreciated the effort that he put in. The younger kids had all but given up on anything beyond small talk, what with her depression and anxiety wreaking havoc on her social life, pushing her away from those that loved her.

Stripping out of her clothes, she took a seat on the floor in her underwear. This was a small workout routine that she had been doing for months: something super simple that wouldn’t disturb any of her roommates. 

Three sets of pushups, planks, squats, dips, sit ups then her flexibility training. She was slowly teaching herself to do the splits, pushing her tendons further and further every day. Glancing down at her FitBit, she decided to push for one more rep, repeating all of the movements and ending with her wind down yoga routine.

The familiar burn of lactic acid hit her one limb at a time with every exercise, hitting different muscle groups as she continued pushing herself. She ended in child’s pose, hugging herself a moment later and taking a deep breath.

Her muscles were already tired from an extra busy day at work but she was _thrilled_ by the excess calories that she’d managed to burn off unintentionally. All there was to do was to take a shower and go to bed.

Walking to the bathroom, hidden under a towel, her footsteps barely made a sound on the hardwood floors. She was as quiet as possible, now that it was past everyone’s bedtime, and crept into the bathroom, finally pulling off her dirty undergarments and turning the water on.

She liked this part of the night as much as she disliked it.

She was equally proud of the work she had put into her appearance as she was disappointed. She could always be _less._ Her ultimate goal weight was 4 pounds away but she always found herself pushing it lower and lower. It had originally been 120, then 113, then 105… and it kept creeping lower. She wasn’t sure how much more her body could handle but she wasn’t going to give up.

She’d lost her period. Her hair was brittle and thin. Her nails could barely grow beyond the nail bed.

And she knew people in her life noticed. Knew that she was painfully thin but it wasn’t enough, no matter how much she worried the people she loved. Just a few more pounds, she would tell herself. Then everything would be normal. She would maintain. Finally be happy with herself.

 _Yes,_ she told herself. _Finally happy._

**Author's Note:**

> Obligatory self promotion of my twitter [Here!](https://twitter.com/xoxmeh)


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